Connecting with Kids: Reflect
“Mom, mommy, mama, MOM!!!”
I don’t want to!!”
“I want to do my way!!”
“Look at this, and this, and this!”
Have you ever had those days where your kid just won’t leave you alone, like even when you’re on the toilet? Where that incessant call for your attention seems like a bottomless pit? Or maybe they are being so unbelievably stubborn about a particular way of doing something that you just can’t seem to understand? Or perhaps, they are dragging their feet through a new store, leaving you to wonder why they never slow down like this at home? What if there was a simple way to help your kids understand, that well, you understand them?
Reflect
That’s right! Let’s get to some understanding!
What is in this mirror?
While the answer to this may seem simple, if we pause for second, we might realize that while we likely have the same answer, we might have paid attention to different aspects of the picture. For example, one person may say, “there are two birds and a cloud”, while another might say, “there is a bright blue sky, two black birds, and a floating cloud”, while another may say, “the sky”. None of these answers are wrong - in fact, while some answers may be “missing” things that are in the mirror, they are actually telling us what is most important to the person answering the question.
Kids tell us what is important to them! And they are curious, mindful, little ones that pick up on “important” things we miss all of the time. Because of this, they constantly want to show us their “new” discoveries (even if you’re on the toilet), do things a certain way, or drag their feet at new place.
This is where reflections are helpful to let your kid know you understand what is important to them (and move things along!).
Reflections…Should I just hold up mirror?
Yes, but with your words! Maybe a more helpful image here would a parrot. Just as a parrot repeats back what you say (well a trained one at least), you repeat what your kid says!
Let’s learn a little more about why and how…
As a parent, I am sure you feel the responsibility to help your kids learn and grow. To support their development, we typically ask kids A LOT of questions! What color is this? What kind of dinosaur is that? How many pieces do you have? Where is your doll going? The list can go on and on. While questions do support learning - and I am definitely not against using them - we need to be mindful of when and how often we are using them because they can quickly lead to power struggles.
By reflecting what your child says, they can begin to lead conversations, explore their own ideas, feel important and understood, and provide missing information that will limit misunderstandings. All of these things help to increase your child’s self-esteem and improves your relationship with them! All without asking questions that can lead to power struggles.
Let’s see how to do this…
You say…
“You found a rock!”
“I hear that you want to go to the park”
“You got to see Jack at school today!”
Kid says…
“Look I found a rock”
“I want to go the park”
“I saw Jack at school today”
Pretty simple right? Let’s see what it might look like as a conversation…
How it helps…
This first interaction lets your kid know that they have been heard and what they are saying is important to you. Also, the parent added in the word “yellow”, which aids with learning.
As the conversation continues, the kid expands their ideas of what is happening, allowing them to imagine and explore possibilities, which helps with self-esteem and confidence.
When the kid does not immediately comply with the parent, they reflect the child’s reasoning, which allows for the child to provide missing information.
As the parent reflects their understanding of this reasoning, the child feels heard and this opens the opportunity for the parent to “wonder” how to problem solve as well as the opportunity for the child to problem solve.
Voila! Power struggle averted! The kid was able to express their ideas, have their ideas valued, and problem solve - AND they cleaned up their toys!
Conversation…
Kid: “I found my truck”
Parent: “You found your yellow truck”
Kid: “It was under my bed”
Parent: “I’m glad you found it under your bed.”
Kid: “It’s going to go rescue the the other trucks”
Parent: “Oh, the truck will rescue the other trucks!”
Kid: “Yes, they ran out of gas in the closet”
Parent: “Please put your toys back in the closet when done”
Kid: “But they won’t have gas”
Parent: “You’re telling me the trucks won’t have gas”
Kid: “Yeah the gas station is under the bed”
Parent: “Oh the gas station is under the bed”
Parent: “I wonder if we can move the gas station”
Kid: “I bet my big truck can move the gas station to the closet!”
Pro Tip: Reflect Emotions!
Let them know you get how they are feeling by REFLECTING!
“You seem sad that we can’t go to the park today”
Some common mistakes…
Since most people do not naturally do this with their kids, there are some common mistakes that tend to get in the way.
Let’s take a look at those…
Reflecting inappropriate language…
If there is language you do not approve of, do NOT reflect these statements back to your child. For example, if your kid says “I think Joey is stinky head” - try reflecting the emotion - “You seem upset at Joey.” In a later blog, I will cover how to actively ignore inappropriate behavior.
Reflective questions…
One of the most common mistakes (that I even continue to make) is asking reflective questions. This is a reflection with an inflection at the end. For example, when the kid says, “I found a rock”, the parent says, “you found a rock?”. A simple trick to correct this is to add the word “yes” in front of your reflection as this naturally prevents us from inflecting, so “yes, you found a rock!”
Resisting the urge to ask questions…
It is so hard not ask questions!!! There are just so many opportunities! When you find yourself having this urge, “wonder” with your kid. This allows your child to continue to lead the conversation, explore their ideas, and problem solve, while giving them a little bit of a nudge in the right direction.
Correcting your child’s statements…
This is another difficult one, especially with all of the pressure to make sure your kid is learning and growing. Try to resist the urge correct your child’s reflections. Remember the point of reflections is to help them feel important and understood. A nice trick here is to reflect what your child says and then add in a gentle statement of your own. For example, if your child says, “The sky is green today!”, try saying something like, “You’re telling me the sky is pink today” - this may naturally lead to them expanding upon what they mean, which may make sense such as they see the sun starting to set - but if this is not the case, add in, “I see a blue sky!”.
