Connecting with Kids: Imitate
“Do it like this!”
“Nooooo, like this”
“You’re not doing it right!
Have you ever sat down to play with your kids and they keep telling you are not playing right? Do you find yourself thinking, “what’s the point if you don’t even like playing with me?” Does it seem like they always have to play their way? Alas! There is a fun and simple way to join in with your kid’s play that will also help them to allow you to enter your ideas!
Imitate
Yup! We copy them, so they copy us!
Take a moment to think about the last time someone imitated your behavior (that wasn’t in the mocking sense) - maybe someone smiled back at you, returned a peace sign, sighed in exasperation with you, or rolled their eyes in shared annoyance…how did you feel?
I would guess you likely felt understood. And I would also guess that the next time you were around that person that you did the same thing the next time you saw them (if they weren’t a stranger that you smiled at).
This is exactly how kids feel when you imitate them! When you put up a pair of pretend binoculars with them to go on a bear hunt, when you mimic a silly face, or when you slump your shoulders as they tell you things aren’t working out the way they wanted, you are telling them - “I see you, you are understood, and I approve of what you are doing” or if you do not necessarily approve, “it makes sense what you are doing.” And I don’t know about you, but I know when I feel understood, I am way more likely to begin listening to the person that brought about that feeling! And when I am listening, I allow new ideas in and learn!
Imitate…do I just act like my child?
Well, yeah! When imitating your child you kind of want to think of yourself as if you were their mirror! It is one of the simplest ways to connect with your child, but can also be difficult because you have to carefully attend to them and tap into your inner child.
Let’s take a closer look…
We are constantly asking our kids to follow our lead and imitate us, after all this is often how they learn. For instance, they come in from playing outside and we direct them to wash their hands, and if they forget a step, we often go back with them and show them how we want it to be done. As kids grow, they often have a natural desire to gain independence and try things out their way and they want to show you this! We want to see our kids develop in this way, however, it can also be a bit of a headache as we try to get things done in a timely fashion.
By imitating your kid during play and throughout the day, you can show them that (1) you understand them, (2) you approve of them gaining independence, and (3) that you will follow their lead (which will make it way more likely for them to follow you when you want them to!).
Perhaps the best time to imitate your child is during play. This allows them plenty of time to show you all of their ideas and get the need to do things their way out of their system! Another amazing time to imitate them is when you need to get their attention. I cannot tell you how many times a kid has lost focus in session and all I did to bring their attention back was imitate what they are doing. For example, if you are helping your kid with homework and they look over and begin making silly faces in a nearby mirror - look in the mirror and make a silly face! Once you have their attention, say something like, “well that was fun, let’s get back to what we were doing.” This shows them that you understand we all get distracted sometimes, which makes it more likely that they’ll rejoin homework time. * A word of caution - if they do not return to homework, stop imitating. In this instance, we want to show understanding by following their lead to get them to follow your lead, but we also want limit our approval. We’ll get to compliance strategies in a later blog *
Let’s take a look at some examples…
How to Imitate:
Try and use similar blocks to build a matching tower. Allow them to have more blocks than you and don’t get caught up in matching the colors, unless there is enough.
Say, “I’m going to tap my blocks gently like you” and follow their beat.
Reply back in your best whale voice, “weellll, I’mm gooood”
Look under the table to gain their attention
Situation:
Child building a tower with blocks
Child begins to gently tap blocks making a song
Child asks “how are you” in their best whale voice
Doing homework and child looks under table
As you can see, imitation is pretty simple skill that you can use to connect with your kids! The more that you imitate your child throughout the day, the less power struggles you will encounter. So when you hear your child frequently saying things like, “noooo, this way!”, think of it more as of a, “I want to show you what I can do!” statement and begin imitating them!
Pro Tip: Imitate Emotions!
And then show you handle them!
For example, they make a mad face and stomp their feet - imitate this and then say “when I get angry, I take 3-deep breaths”. Then take the deep breaths. If they tell you they want to show you how they deal with anger, let them show you and imitate what they do, if it is appropriate!
The challenges…
What can get in the way?
Getting nervous…
I used to get worried that parents would imitate their child’s inappropriate behaviors, until I realized that really the only challenge to imitating was, well, doing it. I often see parents get nervous when they are about to imitate, which usually boils down to a fear of being embarrassed because they are acting like kid. I would encourage you to LET GO and HAVE FUN! The sillier you are/appear the BETTER! Trust me, your kids will LOVE IT! This will also help model for your child that is it okay to be themselves, which will aid in developing their self-esteem.
