Connecting with Kids: Describe
“I’m Bored”
“I want a new toy!”
“I’m done with my homework, can I play on the tablet?”
Do you ever feel like your kid goes from one activity to the next? Are they always asking for a new toy or complaining of boredom, even though they just got a plethora of gifts for Christmas? Or perhaps they never seem to focus on anything - especially when it comes to homework? What if there was a way to keep them engaged in an activity (even homework!) for longer than 30 seconds?
Describe
That’s right! Just describe what they’re doing!
What is this child doing?
If you are thinking “the child is stacking blocks” (or some variation thereof), you are definitely correct, but let’s take a closer look. If we take a step back and truly describe what is happening, we can come up with a richer description of what the child is doing. I might say, “you are putting the 6 block on top of the 7 block!”
With so much stimulation in our modern world it can be difficult for kids (and us!) to maintain their focus and tolerate boredom. Our brains are trained from an early age to keep moving from one task to the next in order to be “successful”, however, this often leads to us rushing through things rather than digging deeper.
By describing what your child is doing, it helps them to slow down, focus in on the details, and have a richer experience of the task at hand (and of life in general).
Just think about the last time someone asked you what you were doing or happened describe what you were up to…I would guess the first thing you did was pause - even for a brief second - to consider what you were doing.
Describe…so do I just say everything they are doing?
Basically…well at least everything that you approve of and want them to attend to more. This is a pretty simple skill to learn, however, just like any skill it takes practice and there can be some bumps in the road.
Let’s take a look…
When you are describing your kid’s behavior you want to pretend like you are a sportscaster giving a play-by-play of what is happening. This can be done as they are playing, doing homework, or any other activity that you want them to attend to more. As you describe their actions, they will naturally begin to slow down and focus on what they are doing as well as begin to expand on the activity. It also increases their learning because you are adding in information that they may have missed! Let’s take a look at some examples…
Description:
“You put the blue block on top of the yellow block!”
Child learns colors and prepositions
“You are adding 2+5”
Child increases attention to the task
“You are putting all of your toys in the toy box”
Slows child down and helps them find toys they may have forgot to clean up
“You mixed red and yellow to make orange!”
Helps the child to slow down and focus on the process of the art activity and then expand their ideas, rather than rushing through to get to the next activity.
Activity:
Playing with Blocks
Doing Homework
Cleaning Up
Art Activity
As you can see, this skill is pretty simple and has a TON of benefit - so what’s the catch? The only “catch” I would mention is that this is not a magical wand that will suddenly increase attention and focus overnight. This is something that needs to be practiced daily in order to have an impact because you are training your child’s brain! You are teaching them, overtime, to keep going back to the task at hand and dig a little a deeper. It’s like building a muscle, you have to work it out consistently to see the growth. Now you might be thinking, “I don’t know if I can do this daily, I have so much to do.” Totally get it! Try thinking of this skill as a way of being - that is, start training your brain to describe what your child is doing. See your kid getting dressed - describe it! See your kid eating breakfast - describe it! See your kid reading - describe it!
I should also note that the above examples are pretty simplistic. When you are describing, KEEP IT GOING! Your kid might look at you a little confused because they are not used it, but before long, they will likely be smiling, giggling, and engaging in activities for a longer period of time. For example, if we whole-heartedly pretend like we are the sportscaster we might find ourselves say something like, “aaaannnd there you go getting ready to do your homework, you’ve grabbed your pencil, now you have your paper, you are headed for your homework table, and you step closer, aaannnd score you are ready to do your homework!”
Pro Tip: Describe Emotions
“You are smiling and look happy today”
Helps kids be able to recognize their emotions and other’s emotions!
Challenges…
As simple as this is, there can be some challenges along the way…
Lack of Enthusiasm
We often do not describe what others are doing because it is more natural to ask what is happening. Because of this, when we are learning how to describe, we can do it in a sort of robotic manner that makes kids unsure of if we approve of their behavior, or not. This will result in them slowing down, which is nice, but it may also lead to them freezing and staring at you because they are unsure what to do next. To help with this, think of what you want to describe, say it in your head or quietly to yourself, and then say it aloud with some enthusiasm in your voice.
Describing inappropriate things
When you see your kid getting paint all over the walls it may be tempting to think, “I want them to pay attention to the mess they are making!”, but I would caution against this. Stay focused on describing the behaviors you approve of them doing. After all, remember we are training their brain, and we want to train it to attend to the things we approve of them doing. If you do not want them making more messes in the future, focus on describing their behavior when they are keeping their play area clean and tidy (and try your best to bite your tongue when the mess is being made - I know it’s hard!). In a later blog, we will learn how to use effective commands to deal with that mess!
Describing the environment
A common challenge I often see is parents describing what is in the child’s environment. This is definitely helpful as it helps to limit the amount of questions we ask kids and helps them to label their environment. The problem is that you may be taking their attention away from the task at hand. For example, if you want them to focus on building blocks, but you begin describing the toy horse they have next to them - they will lose focus on the blocks and attend to the toy horse. So when using the describe skill, ask yourself, “what do I want them to pay attention to?”
