Hacking your kid 101: Giving Effective Directions.
“I’ve told you a million times!”
“Are you even listening?!”
“Am I invisible?!”
Do you ever feel like your kid just won’t listen or follow directions? Or like they are doing the opposite of what you want? Do you feel like you have tried everything (taking things away, putting in time-out, spanking, etc.) and still they just don’t seem to get it? What if I told you there is a way to give directions so that kids will listen the majority of the time? (I know, we all wish there was a trick to get them to listen 100% of the time, but that would would mean turning your kid into a robot).
Let’s take a second to reflect…
When is the last time an authority figure (boss, parent, police officer) asked you to do something and you did it? What about the last time you didn’t do it? What was the difference?
If I had to guess, there may have been a few differences…
Perhaps it depended on how busy you were at the moment. Or maybe it was the way they asked. Or maybe you didn’t know what to do. Or maybe you didn’t get why they were they asking you to do that certain thing. Or maybe, they asked you to do several things at once and you forgot some of the things you were supposed to be doing. Or maybe, you just weren’t feeling it.
I think as adults, we forget that kids have these same thoughts and feelings when being asked to do something! So as we go through learning how to BE DIRECT, I want you to think of one person that you always listen to and one that you don’t (it is especially helpful if these people are authority figures!).
3 Important Things to Remember!
1. You need to have your child’s attention before giving a directive.
* How would you feel if your boss walked in and just started telling you what to do before getting your attention?
2. Consistency is key because it teaches them you are predictable!
* What if your boss banned you favorite morning drink in the office, but only sometimes checked to see if you brought it in?
3. Praise them each time they comply!
* How would you feel if your boss cut your pay each time you made a mistake, but never paid you for the work you did well?
Let’s BE DIRECT!
Tell your child EXACTLY what you want them to do.
Instead of —> “Behave at your Grandma’s house”
Try this —> “Please keep your hands to yourself at Grandma’s”
Be specific
Tell them what you want them to do, rather than what not to do. Try not use the words “No, Don’t, Stop, Quit, or Not” as this often leads to a negative reaction in kids.
Instead of —> “Stop jumping on the couch”
Try this —> “Please sit on the couch”
Every directive positively stated
Make sure your child knows what your expectation is, knows how to do the task, and is capable of doing it. If you are unsure, try “task reducing” or breaking the task into smaller bites
Instead of —> “Go clean your room”
Try this —> “Please pick your toys up off the floor”
Developmentally appropriate
Give instructions one at a time. Especially if your child has difficulty with attention. This also gives more opportunity for praise!
Instead of —> “Take off your shoes, coat, and mittens, and put them in the closet before you go wash your hands and change into your pajamas”
Try this —> “Please take off your shoes” (you may be able to sneak in “and put them in the closet”)
Individual directives
Start instructions with “Please". This models good manners and social skills!
Instead of —> “Put your shoes on”
Try this —> “Please put your shoes on”
Respectful and polite
Save directives for when it is necessary your kid needs to comply. Sometimes when kids do not comply, we start to place more demands on them. This not only lowers their motivation, but they also begin to tune us out, which is the opposite of what we want. A later blog will talk about what to do when kids do not comply.
Essential directives only
Give the reason BEFORE the directive. This reduces the chances that your kid will ask “but whyyyyy?!” or try to negotiate with you.
Instead of —> “Please put your pajamas on”
Try this —> “It’s time for bed, please put your pajamas on”
Carefully timed explanations
Keep it neutral! Raising our voices often leads to an unhealthy fear response in children and increases parent’s stress levels. On the other hand, if we use a pleading tone with kids, they recognize they are close to getting their way. Try saying the directive in a matter-of-fact tone.
Tone of voice
Let’s go back to the start…
BE DIRECT is all of those differences that were noted at the beginning. If you’re already in the middle of doing something, then a carefully timed explanation likely helped you listen. If you didn’t feel overwhelmed by the task, you were probably given an individual task and it was developmentally appropriate. If you knew what you needed to do, you were told specifically what you needed to do. And if you just felt like doing it for the other person, they were probably respectful.
Now… please start using the BE DIRECT skill :)
