Hacking your kid 101: Selective Attention
“If you do that one more time, I’m taking away all of your toys!”
“Just stop it already, I told you no”
“No tablet for 1 hour, make it 2, 3…”
Do you ever feel like the image above when you’re kids won’t listen? Like you’re going to pull your hair out? Like you’re about to scream at the top of your lungs? Like you want to spank your child because they keep pushing you buttons? Yup, this is a pretty common feeling for parents, especially as they go through daily power struggles with their child. What if I told you there was a way to stop this overwhelming feeling of wanting to cover your ears and take away everything you’ve ever given your child when they are refusing to listen or displaying some other agitating behavior?
“Energy goes where attention flows”
- Tony Robbins
Have you ever woken up and stubbed your toe and from that moment on it felt like the rest of your day was one irritation after the next? Or perhaps the opposite, you woke to the smell of coffee and from that moment on the day was full of pleasant surprises?
This often feels like a mystery to people, but what is happening is a matter of intention. On those bad days, there are likely positive things happening that you are not paying attention to and likewise with good days, there are likely negative things happening that you are not paying attention to. Essentially you are selectively attending to things without even realizing it! This also happens with your kids as well and likely why there are some good days and some bad days that seem mysterious.
Just as we can train ourselves in our everyday lives to selectively attend to things that bring us joy, while ignoring things that don’t - we can also actively ignore children’s annoying behaviors, while selectively attending to and praising their positive behaviors!
Let’s take a second to pause…
What happened the last time your remote control did not work? Did you press the power button a couple more times to see if it would work? After that, did you did you make sure your remote was on the right setting? Once that was checked, did you gently tap the remote to see if that would make it work? Did you rotate the batteries? Did you replace the batteries? When none of that worked…did you finally walk over to the TV and turn it manually? Or give up? How did you feel as all of this happened?
When you pressed the power button multiple times to see if it would work, that’s what is known as an “extinction burst” - we do this all of the time when our behaviors that previously worked, no longer work. The following things you did are called “increasing variability”, which simply means that once you realized the previous behavior would not work, you tried lot’s of different things until something worked or you gave up. I’m guessing through this, you may have felt slightly annoyed or frustrated.
Remember this as we learn how to actively ignore/selectively attend because recognizing the extinction burst and increase in variability will help you know that what you are doing is working and stay sane through the process! And you will also be able to relate to how your child is feeling!
Selective Attention
a.k.a. active ignore
Selective attention allows you to actively correct behaviors that are minor, irritating, and inappropriate by ignoring them! It also helps to prevent escalations in behaviors by eliminating common power struggles between parents. For instance, I often see the follow power struggle unfold:
Parent: “Please pick up your toys”
Child: “No”
Parent: “If you say no again, I’m taking away your tablet”
Child: “I don’t want to pick up my toys!”
Parent: “No tablet for 1-hour”
Child: begins crying and shouting no
Parent: “It’s going to be 2-hours now!
And so on….usually by the end of this interaction the toys are not put away and the tablet has been removed for infinity. This is because the child successfully shifted the interaction away from putting the toys away to you trying get them to stop saying “no” (not in like conscious way, well at least most of the time).
If we were to use selective attention, it may look like this…
Parent: “Please put away your toys”
Child: “No”
Parent: “I’m going to play on my tablet until you pick up your toys”
Child: “I want to play on my tablet!”
Parent: actively ignores the child’s behaviors and plays on their tablet and blocks access to anything reinforcing to the child. Please note you likely won’t actually be playing on the tablet as you’re blocking anything that may be reinforcing, but you want to appear as if you are enjoying yourself.
Child: “Give me, give me! I don’t want to put away my toys * stomps feet*, ugh I hate you!” => extinction burst and increased variability. Signs that this is working!
Parent: continues selective attention/active ignore
Child: puts away toys
Parent: “Thank you so much for listening and putting your toys away! You can play on the tablet for 5mins” Key to selective attention! Reinforce the behavior you want to see!
In this scenario, we stayed focused on putting the toys away. AND once they were put away, we had an opportunity to reinforce the behavior that worked, rather than making endless threats to take something away. Please note - if you’ve been having power struggles for a while, you may have to tolerate some gnarly extinction bursts - be patient and wait for the desired behavior, it will happen…eventually!
Okay…but what kind of behaviors do you use selective attention with?
Refusing to share toys
Refusing to sit down
Sulking
Swearing
Sassing
Screaming
Selfishness
Showing off
Stubborn
Threatens
Throws toys
Uncooperativeness
Whining
Angry moods
Arguing
Baby Talk
Bragging
Clingy
Aggressive with toys
Demanding
Not answering back
Grabbing toys
Lies
Loud talk
Refusing to play
Hitting
You may be thinking, “wait, if my kid swears or (fill in the black) I’m just supposed to ignore it?” Yup! You can definitely say what you want them to do instead, but only do this one time. After you have let them know what you want, you want to immediately begin selectively attending! It is likely that once they know you do not want them to do (fill in the blank) they will go through that extinction burst with increasing variability and it is very important you do not reinforce any of those behaviors. Think back to that remote example, if hitting it with your hand worked, the next time the power button doesn’t work, what are you going to do? It is also very important that you attend to the behavior you want to see once the extinction burst is over! So if they stopped swearing and are quiet, you can say, “I like it when you are calm.” This gives them guidance for what will work next time.
Okay…but how you do it?
Below are some common ways you can actively ignore:
Stay silent
Turn your eyes away
Play with something else (make it lots of fun!)
Keep your facial expression blank
Praise another child or person nearby for positive behaviors
Turn your back away (use a pillow to block any aggressive behaviors)
Walk away (keep an eye out)
Essentially - do not give any attention to the negative behavior.
What gets in the way…
There are some common challenges to selective attention. Let’s take a look….
Letting kids get away with bad behavior. Often times parents tell me they feel like they are letting their child get away with negative behavior while they are practicing selective attention. I totally get it because kids really do some outrageous things during extinction bursts so they can get their way. I like to share with parents that the true meaning of discipline is to teach. By selectively attending to their positive behaviors while ignoring their negative ones, we are teaching them how to walk in this world in an effective way. It’s kind of like letting a baby figure out how to get the shape in the right hole - we don’t get mad when they get it wrong - rather we guide them to the right hole and how to navigate challenges!
Feeling bad about ignoring. There are times when your child’s behavior makes perfect sense and you will feel guilty while actively ignoring. Maybe they are tired after a long day of grocery shopping with you and they are crying because they don’t want to take off their shoes before coming inside. You can let them know you understand by saying something like, “I know you are tired and we can rest once you take off your shoes”, but leave it at that and let them ride out the emotion. Be sure to give them lot’s of praise once they have completed the task and you can reassure them that you love and care for them.
