Hacking your kid 101: Time Out & Removal of Privileges
“I’ve tried everything”
“Nothing is working”
“I don’t know what else to do”
So maybe you’ve read my previous blogs and are using relationship skills like praising, reflecting, describing and imitating as well as behavior management skills like BE DIRECT and selective attention and things still aren’t going smoothly. (Or maybe you haven’t, in which case, I recommend starting there first!). This happens from time to time - even when we are being the most skillful parents we can be, kids still refuse to listen - what do we do then? Don’t worry, I got you!
Let’s jump right in!
I usually try to have a relatable example here, but there is about to be A LOT of information so let’s buckle up and get started!
A couple notes…
1. Consistency and predictability are keys to implementing appropriate consequences. If you do not have the time or energy to follow through with a directive or consequence - DO NOT place the directive.
2. Not all behaviors need a time out or removal of privileges. For instance, if your kid is walking backwards and about to run into something, and you tell them to turn around, and they don’t. Let them bump into that item (as long as it won’t lead to physical harm!). This is a natural consequence.
3. Remember as the parent you are in control. Many times when parents have “run out ideas” to get their kid to listen, they feel out of control. Please be assured that you basically have control over their entire world and can use this to gain compliance - you just need to have patience because they may not do what you want right away, but you’ll always have something of theirs to withhold until they comply (e.g., toys, favorite activity, tablet, etc.).
2- Choice Time-Out
a.k.a. everyone needs a break!
Over the last few years time-outs have kind of gotten a bad rap because some people claim that you are ignoring the child’s feelings and giving them time to think about their bad behavior, which leaves the child feeling abandoned and reinforcing their behavior. I’m not going to lie, I was one of those people - until I saw the time-out sequence done correctly!
In the time-out sequence below, I will show you how to give an effective time-out that communicates respect to your child by giving them a choice about their actions, sets a time limit that allows the child (and you!) to regulate their emotions, and allows for the child to try again when they are ready so they are able to have a learning experience and receive your praise. Let’s check it out!
Please note the following time-out sequence was adapted from the UC DAVIS PCIT approach.
Example:
Step:
“Please give me the blue car” - Remember to give a directive rather than ask a question. If you ask them, it opens the opportunity for them to say no.
1. Parent gives directive and child does not listen.
“1, 2, 3, 4, 5” - if child complies give them an excited praise and you’re done! If not, go to step three…
2. Parent counts to 5 (silently or use hand)
“You have two choices: either give me the car or go to time-out” - if child complies, give excited praise and you’re done! If not, go to step four…
3. Parent gives 2-choice warning.
“1, 2, 3, 4, 5” - if child complies give them praise (neutral tone) and you’re done! If not, go to step five…
4. Parent counts to 5 (silently or use hand)
“You didn’t do what I told you to do, so you have to sit on the time out chair” - Parent takes child to time-out chair.
5. Parent gives explanation and takes child to time out.
“Sit here quietly until I tell you to get up”
Child sits quietly. Note that your kid can make noise during the three minutes as they are regulating themselves, the most important thing here is 5 seconds of silence at the end.
6. Parent gives direct command to sit on chair and steps away.
7. Parent gives 3 minute time out & ensures there is 5 seconds of silence
“You are sitting quietly in the chair. Are you ready to come back and give me the car?” If they say no, respect they need more time to regulate
8. Parent asks child if they are ready to return and comply with the original directive.
Parent points to the car
9. Parent waits silently for child to comply (can point or signal, but no need to repeat the directive.
“Thank you.”
10. Parent give unlabeled praise.
“Please give me the yellow car”
11. Parent give follow-up directive.
“Thank you so much for listening!”
12. Parent gives excited praise!
Some common hiccups…
Child complies right after you say, “five” when counting. That’s still a time out! If they comply before you get to five, give them labelled praise for listening and move on. No need to dwell on when they complied.
Once the 3 minutes has passed they are technically done with time-out, however, you want to ensure you have 3 seconds of silence to avoid any superstitious learning.
Half-butt rule - as long as half of your child’s bottom is on the chair, they are considered to be in time-out.
If they say they are not ready to come back and comply - leave it be. This is why in the beginning I mentioned having the time and energy to follow through. In time-out, they are regulating their emotions and while research indicates 3-mins is usually enough for both kids and parents, sometimes we all need a little more time.
What if they don’t stay in time-out? Or time-out doesn’t work?
Great questions! Sometimes kids refuse to stay in time-out and sometimes time-out is no longer developmentally appropriate. Usually by around age 7, kids could care less about going to time-out for 3-minutes…that’s when we shift to two-choice removal of privileges!
Two-Choice Removal of Privileges
Example:
Step:
“Please take off your shoes”
1. Parent gives directive and child does not comply.
“1. 2, 3, 4, 5” if child complies give them an excited praise and you’re done! If not, go to step three…
2. Parent counts to 5.
“You have two-choices: either take off your shoes or you will lose 1-hour of tablet time”
3. Parent gives 2-choice warning.
“1. 2, 3, 4, 5” if child complies give them an excited praise and you’re done! If not, go to step five…
4. Parent counts to 5.
“You didn’t do what I told you to do, you will lose 1-hour of tablet time”
5. Parent gives explanation.
Parent looks away from child and takes some deep breaths
6. Parent pauses and ignores child for 10s
“You have two choices: either take off your shoes or you will lose 1-hour of tablet time.”
7. Parent gives second 2-choice warning if child still does not comply.
Parent points to child’s shoes.
8. Parent waits silently for child to comply. Can point/gesture
“Thank you.”
9. Parent give unlabeled praise.
“Please put your shoes in the closet”
10. Parent gives follow-up directive.
“Thank you for being a good first time listener!”
11. Parent gives excited labelled praise
Some common hiccups…
Non-stop removal of privileges. Be prepared with 2-privileges that you can follow through with removing. If they are not complying after that - follow through with what you said and let it go. In the moment it will feel like they “won” - and perhaps it’s true that they won that battle - but by following though, you are winning the war. Continuing to remove everything until they have nothing left, is just not effective, nor is it realistic for you to follow through with.
Be sure to follow through! Kids will eventually comply because they want their privileges. They may even do extra things to try and get their privileges back. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS! You will be reinforcing that they can listen to you whenever they feel like it, rather than when you ask them. If YOU recognize you cannot follow through with the removal of privileges, YOU can setup a way for them to earn the privilege back - but make it on your terms so they are being compliant.
One final tip….Have a plan for public outings!
Kids often get away with behaviors in public because parents do not have a plan and they do not want to be embarrassed by having their child meltdown in public. Make sure you are able to follow through in public, otherwise, your child will learn to test those limits while you are out and about. Here are some tips…
Set rules and expectations before you leave. Limit to 3 rules so they can remember!
Decide if you will implement a time-out or removal of privileges.
*If time-out, think about if you will stay in the spot the behavior is occurring or plan to go to your car.
*If removal of privileges, think about what you can realistically follow through with
Stick with the plan!
