Connecting with Kids: Praise
“Stop jumping on the couch!”
“No hitting your sister!”
“Don’t you dare say that again!”
“Would you please quit breaking all of your toys?!”
Do you ever find yourself feeling like a broken record repeating “Stop!”, “No!”, “Don’t”, “Quit” to your kids? And no matter how many times you repeat yourself, they never seem to learn their lesson? What if I told you that there is ONE thing you can do to begin getting your kids doing what you want them to do, rather than what you don’t want them doing….would you do it?
Praise
Yup! That’s right, that one thing is PRAISE!
Just think about it for a second….
If I told you to not to touch this fire alarm, what would you be thinking about? Touching the fire alarm! You might be thinking, “well that wouldn’t mean I would press it, I would listen to you.”
This may be true - however, our expectations for ourselves and our expectations for our kids need to be a little bit different because their brain is not fully formed. Most importantly the “smart” part of the brain that tells them to stop and listen to you (i.e., the prefrontal cortex) is developing and will not be fully formed until at least age 26! This means that they are operating from the emotional and reflexive part of their brain (i.e., the limbic system).
Essentially, they are kind of like little lizards running about thinking “TOUCH THE FIRE ALARM”.
This is where praise enters in to train the brain to think about things you WANT them to be doing!
Praise…seems easy enough…
At first glance, it is pretty easy, but there is a specific kind of praise that helps kids do more of want you want and there are also things that get in the way of using it.
Let’s start with the difference between unlabeled praise and labeled praise.
Labelled praise is telling your kid (or teen, or husband) exactly what they did that you like so they know what to do next time. I know most of the time it probably feels like your kid is purposely doing what they are not supposed to, but more often than not, I find kids WANT to please their parents- they just aren’t always sure how and it is not always reinforced. Praise works because it starts to form brain pathways between the smart part of the brain and the reflexive part of the part of the brain in regards to what you want them to do. Essentially, when the reflexive part says, “hey let’s jump on the couch” - they smart part says, “I’d love to! But remember mom likes it when we jump on the trampoline!”
Let’s look at some examples….
Labelled Praise
“Good job doing your homework!”
“Thank you for cleaning up your room”
“You are amazing at math!”
“Look how you created that block castle!”
“Way to go giving it your best at soccer practice!”
Unlabeled Praise
“Good job”
“Thank you”
“You’re amazing”
“Look what you did”
“Way to go”
Don’t get me wrong, unlabeled praise has it’s place because it would be a little weird giving labeled praise ALL THE TIME, but as you can see, adding a few extra words about what it is you specifically like about their behavior can go a long way. It let’s them know you like when they are responsible, that you recognize their achievements, and that they are trying their best!
When we give unlabeled praise, sometimes kids don’t know what they are getting praised for and may attribute it to something you actually don’t like. Just imagine sitting down for dinner…you’re kid has been running around the table while you set everything up, you tell them come sit down and they run to go get their favorite toy to bring to dinner as a guest, they finally sit down and you say “thank you!”. They may very well think that you are thanking them for bringing their toy guest to dinner versus finally coming to sit at the table. However, if after they run to grab their toy guest and sit down, you say “thank you so much for sitting at the table”, they recognize you like it when they sit at the table and are more likely to do that in the future! (We’ll get to handling the toy guest in later blog on compliance).
Pro Tip: Catch ‘em being good!
Don’t wait to give a directive to praise! If you see them doing something you like, PRAISE IT!!!
This increases the chance they will do this behavior in the future!
Some Pitfalls…
As simple as it seems, I would be mistaken if I told you this was always easy to do.
Let’s look at some things that commonly get in the way of praise…
I’m not sure what to praise…
This is pretty common, and honestly I find myself stuck at times too! Try thinking of what you want the kid to do. For example, if you want them to stop running around the house, try saying, “I like it when you use your walking feet” or “Thank you for using your walking feet inside!” the next time you see them walking calmly around the house.
They should do it without praise…
Yeah, I get it, they should, but they aren’t. Nothing is more infuriating than doing the same thing over and over and expecting something different. Remember, your child’s brain is still developing and you are supporting that process. Praise reinforces the brain pathways that you want to develop! Also, think of the last time you were at work and your boss asked you do something…did they praise you for it? How did that feel? How do you feel when your boss randomly comes by and tells you the work you are doing is great? Once your kids gets that feeling that you see how amazing they are, they will do more and more to get that positive attention from you.
They don’t deserve it…
Kids with behavioral challenges often push our limits. By the time they do what we have asked, we are ready to pull our hair out. Or maybe, the day is filled with so many undesired behaviors it is nearly impossible to find something they are doing that you like. * Deep Breaths * Lets go back to that work example. When is the last time you had a bad day at work that led to multiple mistakes? How did your boss approach you? If they came and told you everything you did wrong, I can guess you did not feel great, which may have led to you being distracted and making more mistakes. However, if they came in and highlighted you were having a bad day and acknowledged some of the things you were doing well, I would guess you felt a little relief and were at least able to maintain your day, if not improve it. Kids are the same, if we focus on what they are doing wrong, they will feel bad and that will lead to more bad things. If we focus on what they are doing right, they will feel better and that will lead to better choices.
